I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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