he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
