She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
