Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".