I just pynch a tree in the face
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.