She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
operation have a gay friend backfired
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.