So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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