I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
