I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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