saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
