Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
