My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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