i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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