all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
