hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
