No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
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Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How naked do you want me to be?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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