So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
