No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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