Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Boobs speak an international language.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
