Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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