Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
