the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
