1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
