I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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