Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
