tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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