yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
