I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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