I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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