the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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