Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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