I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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