new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
