Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
