life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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