honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
