She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm like, not good at living.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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