I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
