I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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