Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
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I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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