my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
