my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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