apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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