I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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