you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
