yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
