Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
