Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
