saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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