the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
