did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
