it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
