there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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